Saturday, August 27, 2016

Wow, okay...



A man saw a poster at the corner of the street.

The poster read: 'Are you an alcoholic? Call us. We will help.'

The man was an alcoholic and was looking to get some help, so he called the number given in the poster.

It turned out to be the number of a liquor store, and they had 'Buy one and get one free' promotion.


An old businessman reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper.

He then asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.

"Well, grandpa, Einstein's theory is sort of like this: If you're putting your hand into a pot of boiling water, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."

The old man exclaims, "And from this he makes a living!!?"


A man thinks that his lawyer has overcharged him, so he asks his lawyer for a detailed statement of costs. Minutes later, he receives a statement which includes the following detail:

"That day I saw you on the other side of the street when I was parking my car. I rushed to the corner of the street to cross at the light, then I crossed the street, ran after you, and touched your shoulder from behind, only to find it wasn't you. Billed you $100 for my efforts and time."


A woman was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking man, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

And the man replied, "Yeah, I'm glad it's done too!"

Friday, August 26, 2016

Mars & Venus

Mars & Venus


A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. So he takes all the strength he has left to get up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the dining table and staggers over to them.

As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his hand and she yells, "No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"


A businessman asked his wife, "What would you like for your birthday? A Ferrari? A yacht Diamond?"

Coldly, she responded, "I want a divorce."

"I wasn't planning to spend that much..." he replied.


Three women were chatting.

The first woman said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman said, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman said, "I call my husband the postman because he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box..."


After their honeymoon night, the wife says to the husband, "You know what, you're really a lousy lover!"

The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Somewhere in Asia...

A wise man once said...

I went to sea to see what I could see.
And all I could see was sea, sea, sea.

I quit smoking because of will power.
I quit womanizing because I have the will but no power.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

My job is secured. No one else wants it.

I didn't want to pray to God because I didn't want him to know where I was.

This feels so good, it feels so right.
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

Monday, August 22, 2016