Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Something isn't right...



A businessman brought his beautiful secretary back to his house for sex.

"Don't worry," he assured her, "my wife is out of town, so there's no risk."

As one thing led to another, she reached into her purse and suddenly gasped, "Oh no! I forgot to bring birth control!"

"It's fine," he smiled, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returned to the bedroom in a fury.

"That woman!" he exclaimed, "She took it with her! I always knew that she didn't trust me!"


A pretty actress, fearing she looked too thin on the camera, asked the director to do something about that.

He did, and now she's insisting he marry her.


A worried father confronted his daughter, "Kim, I don't like your new boyfriend Jack, he's rough and irresponsible."

"Daddy, Jack is amazing," his daughter replied, "we've only been going out several times and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month..."


It was rush hour and the bus was packed. A lady passenger turned to the man behind her and said, "Mister, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm gonna call the cops!"

The man behind her replied, "What!? I don't know what you're talking about! That's just my pay check in my pocket!"

"Really?" she said. "Then you must have done your job very well, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Don't worry...


A man went to get his driver's license renewed, the line inched along for almost an hour until the man finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line for so long, till I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, then said, "Don't worry, that's how you're going to look like when the cops pull you over anyway."


"Oh, daddy," said the daughter, "I'm gonna get married tomorrow, it's gonna be so hard leaving mommy."

The father patted his daughter's hand and said, "Don't worry, take her with you!"


A man's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's friends are crying furiously.

Finally, he has to walk over to console them, "Don't worry, I will marry again."


"When you lose your hair in the front," one man says to the other, "it means you're a great thinker. If you lose it in the back, it means you're a great lover."

"But... I'm losing it in the front and in the back!" replies the other.

"Don't worry," says the first man, "that means you think you're a great lover."

I feel you, bro.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

my girlfriend is unique...

                           Her keyboard

                         Her cappuccino

             Her house's front door

                           Her strength

The economy is bad...


Two men were talking in a pub.

One said, "The economy is so bad, I just can't sleep every night..."

The other said, "I slept like a baby last night."

"Wow, that's amazing, bro!"

"Yeah... I woke up every hour and cried!"


A man goes to his bank manager and says, "I'd like to start a small business... how do I go about it?"

The bank manager replies, "Buy a big one and wait."


A businessman has a horseshoe displayed above the door frame of his office.

His friend asks him, "What is it for?"

He replies, "It's a luck charm that will help my business..."

"You believe in that superstition?" his friend asks.

"Of course not!" he says, "but it'll work whether I believe in it or not..."


A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.

His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"

The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."