Friday, May 26, 2017

The Difference

1
A philosopher told his students, "There are two important things in life."

A student asked, "What are they?"

The philosopher replied, "Honesty and wisdom!"

"What is honesty?" asked another student.

"Keep your word if you have given it."

"And wisdom?"

"Don't give it!"


2
Things that are very difficult to say when you're drunk:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate


Things that are impossible to say when you're drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
I don't want to sing.


3
GUTS - You arrive home late after a night out with your buddies, being met by your wife with a broom, and have the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - You arrive home late after a night out with your buddies, smelling of perfume and beer, and lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and have the balls to say: "You're next."


4
A sarcastic coach asked a student, "Hey you, can you swim?"

"No, sir," replied the student.

"Well," said the coach, "that means a dog is better than you!"

The student asked, "But sir, can you swim?"

"Yes!" answered the coach.

"Too bad," said the student, "no difference between you and the dog."