"Daddy," asks a boy, "what's the difference between Confidence and Confidential?"
His daddy replies, "I am confident that you are my son. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential."
A linguist was giving a talk at a conference and made the point that English is one of the few languages without a double-positive ("yes, yes") that actually means a negative ("no").
While pausing to let his statement sink in, someone from the audience sarcastically exclaimed,
A teenager was helping his dad with DIY jobs around the house.
"You know, son," said the father, "you're just like lightning with that hammer."
"Yeah I know, I'm really fast." said the son, with a smile.
"No, you never strike in the same place twice."
The difference between Guts and Balls:
GUTS - You arrive home late after a night out with your buddies, being met by your wife with a broom, and have the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - You arrive home late after a night out with your buddies, smelling of perfume and beer, and lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and have the balls to say: "You're next."