A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. So he takes all the strength he has left to get up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the dining table and staggers over to them.
As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his hand and she yells, "No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"
A businessman asked his wife, "What would you like for your birthday? A Ferrari? A yacht Diamond?"
Coldly, she responded, "I want a divorce."
"I wasn't planning to spend that much..." he replied.
Three women were chatting.
The first woman said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman said, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman said, "I call my husband the postman because he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box..."
After their honeymoon night, the wife says to the husband, "You know what, you're really a lousy lover!"
The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"