His wife was in labor with their first child. She was shouting out in pain.
She then turned to him and yelled, "You did this to me!"
He murmured, "I wanted to stick it up your butt but you objected."
Two women are chatting.
"Me and my husband," says one of the women, "are no longer together."
"Oh, why?" asks the other.
"Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks a lot, has no job for eight years and always curses?"
"Hell no! of course I couldn't!"
"Well, he couldn't either!"
Three women were chatting.
The first woman said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman said, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman said, "I call my husband the postman because he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."
A Drill Sergeant says to the cadets, "Listen up! We have three rules here: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Want to check if he's got everyone's attention, he yells, "Tell me! What is the first rule?"
The cadets yell in unison, "Shut up! Drill Sergeant!"