A man hears a scream from the bedroom, he runs in and there is a guy leaping out of the window.
His wife says while sobbing, "That... that guy just screwed me twice!"
The husband is shocked, he asks, "Twice!? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?"
She replies, "Because I thought it was you... until he started for the second one."
A woman goes to a fortune teller's tent.
"Two men are madly in love with me!" says the woman, "who will be the lucky one?"
The fortune teller looks at the crystal ball, then replies, "Michael will marry you, and Bill will be the lucky one."
The boss called one of his employees into the office.
"Bill," he said, "you've been with the company for two years. You started off in the post room, three months later you were promoted to a sales position, and nine months after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just a year later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. So, what do you say to that?"
The employee gratefully said, "Thanks."
"Thanks?" the boss asked, "Is that all you can say?"
"Hmm..." muttered the employee, "thanks, Dad."